Two weeks at school and I already feel like.. not going there

Duh. I am the queen of slackers, baroness of procrastinators and such. And I signed up for too many lessons. Gonna cut that down a little next semester. And go to Iceland.

Do you think you can bring pets to funerals? It seems now that Robin the almost 3-years old rat is going to live out our grandpa. And it's a sure thing grandpa always was these little creatures' best brother in crime.
Wow. I always thought confrontation with death wouldn't touch me like that. I guess if it was a done thing it would be better.

Btw I still want to have Highway to Hell played on my funeral. OR - Sympathy for the Devil. That would be epic. OR- Space Oddity.

Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go



Everyone who reads this is responsible for making my wishes true. 
 

...I'm so emo it makes me cry

Once again.

My existencialist burnout syndrome brought by postmodern society!

Who cares.

I feel little, lost, false and attentionless.

Something tells me I shouldn't post my emotional diaorrheas here, but where else?
Ad universities, I have picked wrong wrong wrong ones. Faculties full of carreer craving intellectual transformers. But yes, it is also cause they kicked me out from those who were not.
Ad friends... well... what kind of person am i when i am just constantly jealous of them.
Ad me... I wanna get out.. somewhere far. Not like Ulanbatar-far, but at least England-far. You kno. Work in a hostel. Not bothering anyone. Would be coolness.

Nihilistic

1) Compared to the UNIVERSE (gorgeous), does anything except having a family make any greater sense?

2) I have my own little Craig Parker renaissance. From the very moment the mug with his photo I've got for my 14th B-day accompanied me to mock maturita and comissionals from math I felt like I've got someone to stick to without making an asshole out of myself. Alright, he's 37 and he lives on the other side of Earth, but compared to the UNIVERSE, it's just a step.
For you unfamiliar with mr. Parker, he's a soap opera kiwi actor who's become popular via his 1 minute role in first two LOTR flicks, which proves his killer charm.
He was my imaginary boyfriend all through 8th nd 9th grade (Julie dated Karl Urban and Soc had Viggo Mortensen, who I still tend to see as "my old friend"). Retrospectively it was one of the happy moments in my lovelife. Craig, I want you back! .D


As soon as he plays in any theatre play again, I am SO off to NZ. To pick kiwi fruit or wash dishes. I will do anything.

3) Julie's started blogging again. Not sure if her only blog tags "study" "poetry" and "thoughts" sound any appealing to ya, but just.. check it out.

Too down for a header

Where the hell are all the things that used to make me happy?

OK, I still have the BBC's Space series with Sam Neill - everyone who's seen the Event Horizon knows that SAM NEILL IS EEEEVIL .D On the other hand, for some reason men talking about the space and astrophysics turn me on big time!

Duh, Sam Neill doesn't know a shit bout what's going on in supermassive black holes!
Everything is so fake!

Ouch.

I did not make it to the second round.

What a Waster

I should be working on my seminary work.

I am whoring 'round on Facebook, Youtube and DeviantArt instead. Talking to some other los.. old friends on icq. It seems like all the cool kids went to have an enjoyable holidays while the ones who stay here are the finest selection of rejects, sexual deviants (and possible pedophiles, although in my humble case it's called ephebophilia - love for boys who aren't kids anymore, but aren't proper men either), virgins over twenty and lost talents.


I just cant get to do anything until I get rid of this sexual deprivation. The fact I ruin Karin's romantic adventures comes with another one, the fact she ruins my private life in return .D no, I can live with that since it's probably just the matter of my possible secret hag w/ Adam, which would be bloody dangerous anyway.

When I find myself in times of trouble...

As my psychologist says: You cannot love others until you learn to love yourself.

Duh. I am stuck in an attitude that makes me disrespect everyone, including myself. And what is worse, it's started two moths ago and it keeps on developing.
All right, there is something called "positive development", too, but honestly.. .I don't see it coming.

Christmas, though, are okay. It turns out that after all, family is the only group of people you can (more or less) count on and because they know you so well, there's no need to disguise your real selves, which I probably do all the time when in public.

I miss Karin.

I've made this photomanip for Fillip, who's being rather sweet and supportive tonight. (And we do not have anything going on between us. Alcohol is tricky)


Posting the original, too. We love the movie.

I can't stop this feeling I've got

I was thinking about people's minds. I was thinking about how wrong it i to say that someone' "slower" or "weird", because they just think different and they probably have similarly negative feelings about how do YOU behave, talk and think, right. Oh this sounds so moral-lecture-ish and I don't want it to do so.
It's just that I don't know many people who think the way I do, thus I feel comfortable around them. Not enough friends, lovers.

Yesterday I practiced some waltz steps with mr.Růžička and, yup, nice guess, he's just totally on the other side of the way-of-thinking spectre. He's nice, gorgeous, wears slime-green shirts and his perfume is just aaaaw. But not getting my jokes is just an unbearable problem when it comes to anything above the line of platonic love. Which means sex and marriage, basically. lol.

I would appreciate some affection. Crying over my mind-mate ex is depressive. I want Karin to come back. And things.

Music when the lights go out

I feel... well, let's just say I'm not at my best.
I hate music showbusiness even in its lowest form (that's the one I'm in contact with, generally). Since I am no longer an active musician and I don't see it coming in a looong time, it has just lost a big part of attractiveness it had for me. The worse thing is this ruins my personal life... you see... I am not really excited about hearing of my ex-band and pretty much anything that has something to do with it, on the other hand am not very sure if all I say is interesting for the other side.
I wish Karin or me were a guy.

And on top of it all I didn't get the Road Side Mary promos I've requested for my artwork, nobody wrote me a single letter back for my friday night report and I am probably getting no proper evening dress for our maturita ball, cause they're so fu**ing expensive. I can't risk having some improperly done one, to avoid even the tiniest faux-pas during waltz with mr. Růžička. Of whom I've dreamt tonight - we were at some kind of country trip... on running skis.... but the important fact was... he had his BOYFRIEND with him. Oh please no more dreams like that, please, please.

Oh, that was pretty quick.

They've actually begun seeking new drummer before I've had said I'm quitting.
That's kinda jolly.

Cannot really say I feel fine, omnipresent breakup feeling, that popular ambivalence I'm so alone-I'm so free, stalks me.

supermarket jesus comes with smiles and lies.

It does not have to be so good when things become great every time.

I don't think I am getting over it this time.

when the joys of living just leave you cold
frozen from the failing mess you made your own

I feel pretty messed up - first I thought leaving the band would take my meaning away, but now, as the school started, I would pretty much appreciate some extra time for all the seminary works and maturitas and university exams, duh.
But wasting time with people who just don't see any of your effort useful, sadly, that makes you feel awful. It just doesn't work out.

if i have to switch the lights off
i wanna switch them off with you

Teenage Wasteland

Oh I feel like shit.

I shouldn't have watched "Pride and Prejudice" and "The Holiday" in the first place. Of course - everything sucks compared to these.

My trip to London has already killed three FANTASTIC gig opportunities. I am a total loser and noone pays even the smallest attention to me, but I DO deserve that. I know a lot of things, but none of them appears to attract any interest of people I admire.
emo emo emo.

This age sucks, one cannot even feel down without being called EMO. Stick that up your a*se, thank you very much.
I don't like you!

A lucid interval

The only bright spot of this weird, cloudy, cold, unfortunate and generally fucked up day was THIS POST on the Prostitutes' blog. I was laughing out loud for several minutes.
Pity it couldn't last longer.

Reminds me - if we meet, tell me to show you how Vondráček impersonates "Šmity when you ask him for money" or, even better "Šmity when you ask him to borrow you his phone". Hilarious.

About my fashion sense

My old bikinis /oh yeah, even whales DO wear bikinis, har dee har har/ are kinda... smallish, I mean especially the top piece - totally unusable. so I went to see if there were any nice ones I could get me and dammit, the bigger sizes are always already bought. The only ones that really fitted me were the most emo bikinis around.

Well, generally I DO like emo stuff, I like the design, it's just that everyone point at you and say "eeew, eeemooooo!!". but I hope an 18 yr old strawberry blonde can hardly be considered one of those hardcore emo kids. I can hardly be even considered a kid. And emo kids don't have big boobs. (not that big)

Just to assure you they REALLY are totally emo /or at least they are made to catch the eyes of fanatical little black-fringed teens/ - they have SKULLS and BUTTERFLIES on them. this is the kind of emo fashion you cannot defend with "what the hell this is no emo you bastard, this is indie, got it? indie, you bitch, from what time are stripes emo?".

Jesus Shaves!

Yeah, there is something about The Fratellis that reminds me of the Libertines. I will stalk them from now on. /Whistle for the Choir is lovable/

Oh sorry you guys if I ruined your fun yesterday, but I guess that...I did not. Nobody really cared, right? And I've had THE dream again tonight. Just for case you didn't know, it's one of these you could kill yourself just to avoid waking up ever again. So beautiful you hate yourself in morning a BIG WAY. I fear the worst - I am going MAAAD.
"I must confess my heart's on broken pieces and my head's a mess" - how the Fratellis sing. Which describes my mood for yesterday and maybe even the whole last week and my whole future? And the lyrics continue with "It's four in the morning and I'm walking alone beside a ghost of every drinker that has ever done wrong". And yes, I know I've done wrong MANY times.
I must not drink ever again.
..
...
.....
I felt this shitty really long time ago, and don't even remember when.