I'm pretty messed up.

I wonder if I am supposed to be such a psycho by myself or .. is it some tiny little side effect of the pills of hell?

Because basically I am feelin fine, it's just that at some certain points it's like a total lost of vital enthusiasm, which is in my case almost like the apocalypse. I desperately need a new impulse, new drive, new meanings. Because this is pretty unbearable. It's like being in doubt about everything. I need something, anything, that would restore my ego, that would make me proud of myself once again, but, well, maybe I want too much, how soon was Hiroshima a real, living city after the bombing?
And on the top of it all, I have to claim it's my fault and anyone else's, because certain people could start being pathetic again. And that's the last bloody thing I need now. I need to enjoy myself. And know that I am good. I don't need to know how bad are others. No fu*king way.